From obesity to anorexia
and the long road to finding peace.
Some of you may not know this about me, but I struggled with my weight starting at a very young age. Those of you who haven’t been around for the long haul probably have the perception that I’ve always been fit and always been into fitness. This just isn’t true.
Though I was a tomboy from the very beginning & loved sports I somehow found myself horrified about my body at just 9 years old. I vividly remember sitting in my 3rd grade classroom, reading a book about a teenage girl. The book happened to mention that the girl weighed 90 pounds. My stomach dropped in despair as I realized that I weighed 90 lbs. In 3rd grade. And so my negative body image began.
As I was shuffled from babysitter to babysitter throughout childhood, I can’t tell you the number of times I was told “I would get fat” because I didn’t exactly prefer to be tossed outside and told to play by myself. I preferred to engage in adult conversation, read a book, or do something crafty indoors. Yet I was constantly being shoved out the door and told that if I didn’t go outside, I would get “fat,” and I didn’t want any more of that, did I?
When middle school came (boys!), I started to become very self conscious. I knew I was much bigger than most of the other girls in my class. By the end of 7th grade I became absolutely sick about it, so I decided to do something about it. I’m sure you can see where this is going.
I easily lost 30+ pounds in ONE summer by tracking each and every calorie and exercising myself into oblivion. I made sure to exercise off every single calorie I ate (which was not many). I got down to around 105 pounds. I was a size 0/2. I remember standing in the hallway my first day of 8th grade and one of my classmates literally gasping. I was a skeleton of my former self. I had gone from one version of unhealthy to the next. And guess what? I still hated my body.
The years that followed were a series of yo-yo ups and downs. It’s been a long, winding road filled with twists and turns and crazy emotions to get me to where I am today. While I still don’t think I’m at a complete state of peace with my body, I’m SO much closer than I’ve ever been. I’m freaking proud of this shell of a human that I live in. My body is now very healthy. Strong. It runs marathons. It breathes and burns with a fiery passion each and every day. While definitely not perfect, this body is amazingly, incredibly unique. It is perfectly and unapologetically ME.
And with that I’ve learned to create a truly healthy lifestyle. This journey isn’t about perfection. It’s about living life to the absolute fullest, and about being damn grateful for the amazing body God provided for you.
So when you message me, telling me about your struggles and about how you’ve completely lost yourself, I get it. I get what it feels like to look at yourself in the mirror and feel empty, sad, and lost. This is why I do what I do. Why I post a thousand sweaty selfies, why I share the inspirational quotes, and why I just won’t freaking shut up about all that health & fitness stuff. Because out there, there’s a whole lot of people just like the 9 year old version of me who just wants to be set free. Set free from the never ending cycle of self-loathing, doubt, and fear.
If this resonates at all with you, if you know the exact feeling that I’m talking about, I want you to know I’m here for you. I’m so, completely, 110% in this with you, and would love to help you on a journey towards health. I wanna be your fighter. Because on the other side of fear, on the other side of the ugliness and self-hatred and doubt, is someone really powerful, strong, healthy, and truly, extraordinarily beautiful.
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